Flirting is hard work

Last week, I got a call from the guy I bought my house from. It was completely out of the blue. I hadn't spoken to him since the day I closed on the house. I can't remember if I mentioned back then or not but he is hot and recently divorced and currently in Baghdad. If my googling of time difference is correct that means he called me at 5am, his time. We talked for a long time about random things. He asked if I wanted to go Kayaking, fishing, or Snorkling (but maybe he said scuba diving my head was spinning by that point)

After the call I felt like such an idiot. I can't help saying or doing stupid things when I am nervous. Its a bad trait whenever I am nervous not just while talking to guys. Its actually part of my professional development plan because my boss wants me to appear more professional instead of class clownish.  Those are my words not hers. I can't help it when I feel nervous I try to be funny. Try being the key word. I want to share with you some of my most memorable stupid comments while attempted to talk to guys.

So when Captain America (and if he ever googles me and reads that I call him that I will again me dying of embarrassment) asked me if people had been getting pears off my pear tree (no euphemism I really have a pear tree in my backyard.) I said yeah they have and I had to find a fake partridge to put in the tree. He sounded confused. I explained....you know a partridge in pear tree? I felt like the pear tree needed a partridge in it. I kinda felt like a crazy person after I said that.

While on a first date to see Mortal Kombat (damn that was a loooong time ago) I got so excited when Liu Kang showed up on screen because I thought it was Tommy Lee from the Best of the Best movies. In a crowded movie theater, full of gamers, I shouted OMG is that Tommy Lee Jones. I don't think there was a person in the theater not laughing at me. I literally wanted to climb under the seat. Oddly enough I got a second date. No clue why.

I once had a serious crush on a really cute football/basketball/baseball player from another school. He was really talented and did I mention cute? I wanted to go out with him but had no idea what to say. So I made a list of possible topics. I can't remember exactly how I got his number, but I talked myself into calling and then started reading the list of topics in order to keep the very awkward conversation going. Finally he stopped me and asked if I was reading from a list. I stuttered no and then gave an excuse to hang up. Not surprising I never heard from him again.

 Once I was on a date with a guy, the date was doomed from the start. He was really tall and drove a little sports car. Every time he got into the car he would knock his drink into my lap. I had on white pants. This happened probably 3 times during the night. At one point I said "Hey, that's my dad." He got paranoid and asked where. I pointed to his radio. My dad was a radio announcer and the guy had turned the radio to dads station. He kept acting weird until I finally asked to be taken home.

This isn't even counting the times I've tripped on a flat surface, walked into doors, got my hair stuck in car doors, and opened my mouth to speak and had Dr. Seuss inspired gibberish come out.

Please tell me I am not the only person that just can't handle the flirting/dating scene.

12 comments

  1. abeerfortheshowerMarch 9, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are most definitely the only person. No, kidding. I think I'm just broken. I don't really get nervous with people. I love joking around, and yes, I definitely got the partridge in the pear tree joke... I like that.

    One time I went on a date with a girl who was so nervous she knocked an entire Big Gulp on my lap. Literally the entire thing landed square on my crotch. So my pants were so stiff from all that liquidy sugar that I spent the rest of the night walking around like Gumby.

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  2. I feel like the only one. I've been watching the show New Girl on Netflix and I swear some of the crazy stuff that happens to her is parallel to the crazy that happens to me. I don't think I have ever knocked pop on anyone, But maybe I've just blocked that out. I'm glad you liked the Partridge in the pear tree. It was funny when I did it, now I feel like people thinking I'm really crazy.

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  3. I say stupid things too! I can't think of a flirting example, but I'm pretty bad at small talking with my coworkers.

    My favorite example is last Halloween - I was all dressed up in vampire makeup with blood dribbles. People had been coming by and making comments (I was the only one dressed up so I kinda stood out), and I couldn't think of any comebacks, so I just smiled really big and did this stupid fake laugh, "Haaaaa." Finally, my boss started walking towards me, and I told my brain, "We're going to say something this time. Something clever."

    He came up and said, "You've got a little something there" while dabbing at his face to indicate that I was a messy eater. And I said, "Oh, uh, I had breakfast." Then I panicked because it was such a stupid comeback, did my fake laugh and smiled until he walked away again. Not smooth! Not smooth at all.

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  4. Oh, dear, I am right there with you! I am THE WORST when it comes to flirting. I have come to realize I can only flirt with guys I'm not at all interested in.

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  5. I am an awful flirt. I say the dumbest things. People are like, "What?"

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  6. I feel like such an idiot when trying to flirt.

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  7. same here. But that doesn't help when I think people are cute and interesting

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  8. I know. I wish I had some advice for getting past that particular hurdle, but I don't.

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  9. I actually think your comeback was funny.

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  10. Lol, thanks. No one else did. It was one of those things where you say something and then no one else has anything to say. A "conversation killer."

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  11. You are not alone. I told a guy I was relieved that my last name started with a W, because that meant I died last. Then he told me people don't die in alphabetical order (which I knew, I swear). Didn't get a second date out of that one..

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  12. haha That's a funny one. I guess I'll be somewhere in the middle with the last name G ;)

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