31 days of relationships....I'm not hateful just a little vindictive.

shew! I feel like Cinderella today. I had to go to a training that was 3 hours away from my house. I had to leave at 5...yes 5AM! that's just wrong. Before I even got out of my neighborhood I saw 4 deer and a baby cougar. For the record I live in the city, walking distance to a car lot, McDonald's, and the hospital. Its just that I also live in very rural KY.

So I got to pass several distilleries and didn't get to stop at any of them I also got to pass the Castle. I use to want to live here. Its so beautiful.
Then I sat through several hours of training. Drove back...In rush hour traffic.....It  took 4 hours to get home. Then I had to wash dishes, and clean the litter box, and find clothes to wear to the band competition tomorrow.
 
So here I am finally sitting down to write the post I promised you yesterday.
 
A friend of mine was telling me a story. His friend posted a video to facebook of his daughter singing and dancing crazy. She retaliated by posting an ad on the swap shop (a classified show on the radio that is hilarious, Imagine stereotypical rednecks selling their junk). She said he had chickens and goats for 10. I know nothing about farm animals but apparently its a good deal because he phone blew up with people calling wanting the animals.
 
This got me thinking about Monday when I told you about Abbey and Greg saying I was hateful. Another friend responded to that post to tell me his take on things.
 
"You're not a hateful person.  You are, for the most part, highly pro-social and friendly. You are, however, a very vindictive person- in fact, one of the most vindictive people I know- which is where people can get the idea that you're hateful.  But they're not the same thing.
 A hateful person will manufacture outrage, dream up fictional wrongs done by other people, in order to justify their own bad behavior.  They start with the position that others are (or will be) actively evil or malicious towards them, and then use that assumption to justify everything they wanted to do or take for themselves as being "only fair."  This allows them to (at least pretend to) continue to think of themselves as good, regardless of what they do.
 A vindictive person, by contrast, doesn't start out with those sorts of intentions.  Vindictiveness (just as you've described it) comes from a genuine feeling of being wronged- of having been good to someone, and being hurt for it.  Where hatred tries to manufacture an artificial feeling of moral strength, vindictiveness comes from feeling cornered or vulnerable.
 Hatefulness goes off the rails from the beginning; it's essentially a post-hoc justification for wrongs that were intended all along.  Vindictiveness goes off the rails 1) when it drives you to take things out of proportion, to overreact to a minor or even unintended slight, and 2) when that disproportionate response prevents you from making peace when the original conflict has ceased to matter.  The former makes enemies out of friends; the latter leaves you with an ever-increasing, rarely-decreasing enemies list to have to deal with, much of it over relatively trivial things.
 And note that that's not the same thing as saying "All the things you get upset over are trivial."  You have as much genuinely heavy shit to deal with as anyone.  Rather, it's saying that you get upset and bury yourself under lots of minor crap in addition to the perfectly reasonable things you have to get upset over; which further burdens you, and leaves you with less energy to deal with any of it.  (And that is, in turn, where you put off that impression of "hateful to cranky to wanting to be left alone."  That's an outsider's view of what it looks like, as your emotional energy runs down and you exhaust yourself.)"
I agree with this completely. I think this is why Greg is thinks I'm hateful. I don't take shit from people. If I am hurt in anyway I lash back, usually with more force than was originally dealt my way. That may seem like hate to others when in fact I am just protecting myself and sending a message that actions like that won't be tolerated.

 

3 comments

  1. Vindictiveness is a family trait. We can't help it and why would we want to?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't want to. I believe my vindictiveness came about out of necessity and I think I'll keep it

      Delete
  2. Our farm is right by the castle :)
    I'm vindictive too, but ya know what? It's better than being a doormat.

    ReplyDelete

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